No Iceman Zombie Babies For You
Everyone, I would like you to meet Oetzi, the zombie iceman. Some German tourists found a mummified corpse in the Oetz valley years ago and scientists have been probing his poor dead body for years looking for clues into both his life and his time period. They have found out many interesting things such as:
1 - His last meal was cereals, plants, and ibex meat yum yum!
2 - He was shot in the shoulder with an arrow and had cuts all over his hands
3 - He was 5 foot 2 and a half inches
4 - He wore goatskin leggins and a grass cape
5 - He was arthritic
6 - He was infested with "whipworm"
7 - Here is a computer reconstructed mugshot
8 - And most recent findings ... he was sterile ... possibly
Not only that, but that him being sterile could have been the reason he was killed.
Judgemental Barbarians: Watsup Oetzi.
Oetzi: Waddup fools.
JB's: Ya know, me and the guys have been talking. I don't think your family is real.
Oetzi: What?! That's kind of a weird thing to say!
JB's: Actually we're pretty positive. We've never seen them move and they look suspiciously like vegetables wrapped in clothing.
Oetzi: You guys are jerks, wait till I tell my wife about this!
JB's: Dude, my goat just chewed your wife's arms off, they were bundles of carrots.
Oetzi: Ha, shows you, those were rutabagas. Aw crap.
JB's: Busted. You know we're gonna have to do something about this right?
Oetzi: Do something?
JB's: Oetzi, it's not your fault, you just have reduced sperm mobility. You know that's not cool.
Oetzi: Look guys, it's not a big deal. Hey where's he goin?
JB's: Calm down Oetzi, he just had to go get something, from behind you.
THWOOP
Oetzi: Oww!! My shoulder!! Was that an arrow?!
JB's: Dude chill, shoulders are for guys with HIGH sperm mobility.
Oetzi: Man you guys suck big time.
JB's: Nothing personal dude, so are you gonna sit still and die or are you gonna make this difficult?
Our grass caped hero didn't even have a chance. Or apparently a family.
1 - His last meal was cereals, plants, and ibex meat yum yum!
2 - He was shot in the shoulder with an arrow and had cuts all over his hands
3 - He was 5 foot 2 and a half inches
4 - He wore goatskin leggins and a grass cape
5 - He was arthritic
6 - He was infested with "whipworm"
7 - Here is a computer reconstructed mugshot
8 - And most recent findings ... he was sterile ... possibly
Not only that, but that him being sterile could have been the reason he was killed.
"One would have to investigate whether there was an awareness of male infertility in this ancient society; and if so, whether the lack of a family or clan could represent a kind of social weakness."I imagine it went down like this:
Judgemental Barbarians: Watsup Oetzi.
Oetzi: Waddup fools.
JB's: Ya know, me and the guys have been talking. I don't think your family is real.
Oetzi: What?! That's kind of a weird thing to say!
JB's: Actually we're pretty positive. We've never seen them move and they look suspiciously like vegetables wrapped in clothing.
Oetzi: You guys are jerks, wait till I tell my wife about this!
JB's: Dude, my goat just chewed your wife's arms off, they were bundles of carrots.
Oetzi: Ha, shows you, those were rutabagas. Aw crap.
JB's: Busted. You know we're gonna have to do something about this right?
Oetzi: Do something?
JB's: Oetzi, it's not your fault, you just have reduced sperm mobility. You know that's not cool.
Oetzi: Look guys, it's not a big deal. Hey where's he goin?
JB's: Calm down Oetzi, he just had to go get something, from behind you.
THWOOP
Oetzi: Oww!! My shoulder!! Was that an arrow?!
JB's: Dude chill, shoulders are for guys with HIGH sperm mobility.
Oetzi: Man you guys suck big time.
JB's: Nothing personal dude, so are you gonna sit still and die or are you gonna make this difficult?
Our grass caped hero didn't even have a chance. Or apparently a family.
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